My heart is breaking into a million pieces

My Pop has been fighting kidney failure for four years.

He has been on dialysis and the hope was that he would get a kidney transplant. Those hopes are dashed with the wrecking ball force of pancreatic cancer. The cancer is spreading to the liver and gallbladder and damn near impossible to treat.

My heart is breaking into a million pieces.

With the recent discovery I began to break down. I was balling my eyes out as I drove my tank truck from Atlanta to Chattanooga for home time. I was taking the weekend off. Realizing I may have little time with him left, I rented a v8 Camaro SS, the fastest car on the airport lot, and drove from Chattanooga TN to Frederick MD all through the night, in record time. I made the 600 mile trip 10x faster in that Camaro than in my Scion xB. I cleaned out my truck cause I didn’t know when I’ll be back to work and Schneider might need the Freightliner.

My dad was super happy I came and he feels loved. He told me it wasn’t necessary but thanks to the advice of a dear nurse fiend I realized the imperativeness, and I made the trip. Dad was in better spirits when I showed up at the hospital so we were able to crack jokes while his bile dripped from his side into a gallon bag. We stayed up late playing cards and flirting with the nurses. He loved to tell them, “I have soiled my panties,” as he had been outfitted with a diaper of sorts. One nurse said,”you’re my favorite patient, I wish I could clone you”. Damn straight, my pop is the best. We need more people like him the world.

As some comedian said… “if I had known I’d live this long I would’ve taken better care of myself… ” and my father definitely could’ve had some healthier habits. But it was only self harm. He only brought joy to anyone who crosses his path. If he ever mistakenly hurt someone’s feelings he would feel awful about it and make sure the person knew he was sorry.

The nurses came in and out all night and we both woke up around 2am and watched Roy Clark play banjo on YouTube. I also showed him a silly robot chicken cartoon I thought he’d get a kick out of. I have slept on the couch all week, in his hospital room, as I don’t want to leave him. I have periods of being wracked with grief interspersed with joy from being around my father. He is starting hospice care soon. Last week I thought he had years. That has shortened months or possibly weeks

I am devastated